Nemo Me Impune Lacessit

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Talk to a bartender

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , , — mikewb1971 @ 7:24 PM (19:24)

———- Original Message ———-
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Talk to a bartender
Date: Thu, 1 August 2013 16:39:54
To: Me

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Sun, June 30, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Talk to a bartender

* Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders *

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’

FORGET THE SHRINKS – HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


NOTES

  1. Reposted –
    1. Personal blogs and micro-blogs – Blogspot / Facebook / Google Plus / Medium / MeetMe / OKCupid / Tumblr / Twitter / Xanga

Copyright © 2013 Mike Blessing. All rights reserved.
Produced by KCUF Media, a division of Extropy Enterprises.
This blog entry created with Notepad++.

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British Humor is Different

Filed under: Humor — Tags: , — mikewb1971 @ 12:14 AM (00:14)

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

_____________________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

_____________________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_____________________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

_____________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

_____________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is . . .

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)

_____________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker – Billy Connolly.

“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

_____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . . . . Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right . . . ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand . . . . .

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

_____________________________________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

_____________________________________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.


NOTES

  1. Reposted –
    1. Personal blogs and micro-blogs – Blogspot / Facebook / Google Plus / Medium / Tumblr / Twitter / Xanga

Copyright © 2013 Mike Blessing. All rights reserved.
Produced by KCUF Media, a division of Extropy Enterprises.
This blog entry created with Notepad++.

bomb gun firearm steak knife Allah Aryan airline hijack

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